My Adult Thoughts

As I was sitting down it felt like an eternity until the wonderful pastor called me to the podium. I rose out of my seat very slowly and started to wave towards all my family that were sitting quietly in their seats. As I walked towards the podium I did a little quick dance just to show everybody what a lovable person I was. I was not here to celebrate but to mourn the passing of my father that had reached the grand old age of 96. He reminded me of the old former wrestler called the Iron Sheik with a big black mustache and a bald head. Unfortunately for my father his moustache was grey and he wasn't as rude as the real Iron Sheik, but close.

The pastor greeted me with a simple "hello" before he disappeared to his seat like a whisper in the wind. All eyes were focused on me and before I knew it I could feel something about to explode down below. I suddenly felt the urge to take a bathroom break so I tucked away my speech into my pocket and rushed out into the open fields just behind the church and released a stream of urine that flooded the village of about 300 ants down below. Once I arrived back to the church I was subjected to abuse and slander from people that felt I was not taking this service serious. My father used to work as circus clown when he was younger and I believe he would have been proud of me having to take a leak just before giving my final speech that was to be directed towards my father as he slept so peacefully in his casket.

So I began "Dear fellow clowns that have come here today to wish my father luck on his final resting place can be reassured he never really liked any of you. My father was a cheat. He spent most night surfing Internet dating websites looking for potential women that he could sleep with. He hated my mother and thought she had the personality of a snail. Internet dating was his ticket to getting a divorce and I supported him every step of the way. internet dating was also the reason I cheated on my wife, thankfully she isn't here today to witness this. While you all thought my father was a decent and respected member of this community he spent all your money that you donated to him on sign up fees to various Internet dating websites". Rest in Peace Dad.